dressing to undress

(or, “what happened? i was looking for porn, and instead i found this place with weird music where it looks like it’s halloween all the time”)

here’s something fun—these are search engine terms that have led people to my blog. i thought it would take quite a while before i had any of these to share, but it turns out i was wrong. it also turns out that by giving my blog the tentative name of “dressing to undress” i was inviting some pretty funny search results. i will be adding to this over time as i rack up more things to put on the list, but here are some of the more interesting results so far:

johnnywestmusic (it’s everywhere you wanna be)

sexy magic dust undress (how much fun would it be to have some of that dust?)

undress mud (who knew it could be done?)

marshmallow dicks (and here i thought they stopped selling those things…)

bra commercial night moves music “bob seger” (bob seger in a bra commercial? that’s just wrong)

children story undressing and dressing (no one ever read that one to me when i was a kid…)

lanois “mono overhead” (apparently it’s true. the man knows his stuff.)

undress miley cyrus (isn’t she a little young yet?)

miley cyrus undress down (so now you’re getting picky about the trajectory too?)

undress britney and then a monster comes (makes sense to me)

hospital women undress video (i think i saw that one. it was called “naughty night nurses 75″. that chick from blossom was in it.)

nude brides caught off guard (what…the…shit? is that like “girls gone wild” for people with wedding dress fetishes or something?)

dressing to undress (sooner or later, it’s what we all end up doing)

who sings as i walk through the valley of death (that would be me. the singing guy, i mean.)

vs880 microphone (they made  a microphone specifically for that mixer? really?)

undressing nude by the sea compilation (i never caught the tv commercials for that one…what a shame)

undress up (don’t mind if i do. where’s my flesh-coloured tie rack?)

drums (they’re fun to hit, aren’t they?)

songs with toy piano (yann tiersen’s got some)

scott walker tilt (it’ll blow your brain wide open)

U47 “recording guitar” (i bet that would sound pretty nice)

johnnywestmusic blog hirsute (that’s me, in a nutshell)

streaming undress (you don’t want to see streaming video of me doing that. trust me here.)

ever try running an entire mix through a mic preamp? (can’t say i have…)

“two chord songs” sheet (i don’t have that sheet, but i hear the members of green day do…wait…my mistake…that’s the “most overused and reused and over-reused chord progressions in the world” sheet. never mind.)

naked adam russell (no! that’s not an image i want in my head)

adam russell & gay (really? i never would have guessed)

adam russell the skull (i never heard anyone call him that, but it wouldn’t really surprise me if that’s all that’s left of him today)

terotica (do you dream about leann rimes videos shot in the desert too?!)

screaming nipples (yes, that is the name of the first papa ghostface cd)

video clips of women dressing and undressing (alas, there’s none of that here)

bob seger (yes, that is the name of a singer dude whose voice shows up in the odd car commercial)

front-of-kit fok mono stereo (how can something be mono and stereo simultaneously?)

“penis says”+2008+wordpress (who types something like that into google?)

aea R88 overheads (definitely give it a try if you’ve got the mic)

sexy un-dress up

youtube she caught a couple undressing

naked leann rhymes (i don’t think you’ll ever get to see that)

R88 piano (i bet that sounds quite nice, but sadly the mic clip aea supplied me with is defective, thus limiting how i can position the microphone. so i couldn’t tell you.)

aea R88, price (it’ll run you about two grand, maybe a bit more—or less—depending on where you live and where you’re getting it from. but it’s definitely worth the scratch.)

traction final mix (if you can do a final mix while in traction, i bow down before you)

how glad the many millions (sinatra’s got a crush on you)

undress kate beckinsale (well, if you insist…)

undress me (okay, but i’m not gonna do it for free)

undress jesse (that’s pushing it a bit far…)

hirsute female (check out jennifer miller and her performance troupe circus amok)

“stepsister” undress (well, now we’re getting a little kinky, aren’t we?)

guys and dicks (yeah…i hear they have those things)

tosteestostas (my imaginary record label, est. 1999)

quirky instruments (it’s true; i’ve got a few)

teisco del ray spectrum et-440 guitar (a cool-looking axe, it is)

came from somewhere back in her long ago (michael mcdonald, man. you need to watch “yacht rock”. seriously.)

undress high school musical characters (vanessa hudgens, maybe, but i’m not taking off zac efron’s clothes. sorry…no dice.)

cheap inflatable ukuleles (i gotta find me one of those)

oesophagus song (it’s very deep and resonant, as if being sung from deep within you, isn’t it?)

example of cord dressing (patch cords wear clothes?)

soap opera rapid aging syndrome (it’s a strange thing, isn’t it?)

billy joel sleeping with the television (so that’s why his marriage to christy brinkley didn’t last. “irreconcilable differences”, huh?)

genital herpes cured (hope i didn’t disappoint anyone there…)

he came to her sometime from somewhere back long ago (the doobie brothers as you’ve never heard them before)

forced undress stage video

1932 washburn mandolin banjo (i’ve never heard of such a thing. sounds interesting, though i’d call it something else, like…a mandojo. or a banjolin.)

giraffe teather

benylin (stay away! stay away!)

sock wohis (nah…they gave me money. why would i want to hit them?)

how much is johnny west dolls worth?

lyric “the greatest thing you ever can do now” (that’s led zeppelin—”friends”, off of the third album. good song. i used to listen to it in the car sometimes on the way to high school in the morning.)

“can’t contain myself” “looking out the window” (the song you’re looking for is “striking” by francis & the lights)

mic preamp damien rice (he uses those things too? say it isn’t true!)

undress games tic tac toe (tragically, no one ever played this advanced version of tic-tac- toe with me when i was in school)

sleep undress (doesn’t one come before the other?)

red means stop green means go and yellow means slow down (lies! all lies!)

tinkle tinkle in a jar (i had to do that once. stepfather john said, “stick your peter in here,” and i was laughing so hard i almost pissed all over him.)

miley cyrus has a growth spurt (let me guess…it was in her shoe)

undress and bend over (shouldn’t we get to know one another a little better first?)

wind machine bass line

love me thongs

little miss sexpot

guyswithdicks.com (i imagine that would have been our website address, had the band stayed together…now that would have been interesting)

scotch tape sex (whatever floats your boat, i guess)

woman undress and electrical guitars (a winning combination)

stoned mouse (that would either be very amusing to see, or very disturbing

whoreprincess.com (a website full of wholesome lessons for young women?)

dead skin hill (i’d like to own a cabin there someday…what a peaceful place…a little dry, but you can’t have it all, can you?)

undressing the dressing people (that is the most amazing logic i’ve ever encountered in task form)

hanging heart (loose and to the left?)

why are mic preamps expensive? (because they hate you. and because the good ones are made out of things that don’t make the baby jesus cry, and as a result they actually sound good.)

urban garlic (yo…dig my scented flow, dog…the pervasive lingering aroma of edible whimsy…)

angel holding unconscious woman with his arms (i’ll give you six dollars if you draw a picture of that for me)

ebay cranesong flamingo (no, they don’t show up there. ever. but i have one. it’s a cool-looking thing.)

hover your mouse over me to undress me (i don’t even have to use my hands? sweetness!)

cows copulating (i saw them from my window on the train. they were lovers too beautiful for this world…so they did it behind a barn while i ate antipasto.)

papa suck my nippels (first you need to learn how to spell “nipples”. and thinking of me as a father figure won’t get you too far, either.)

can’t punch in on my roland vs 1680 (oh, but you can! it seems odd at first, but once you figure out how to do it, it’s easy as pie. pumpkin pie. check out the confusing manual and you’ll find directions in there somewhere. knowing how to punch in does come in handy from time to time.)

youtube lack dressing (youtube is kind of lacking in that department, isn’t it? i suggest you check out my refrigerator, where you’ll surely find italian and french dressing.)

does thom yorke use neve preamps? (no. neve campbell does.)

bedtime nipple stories (once upon a time, there was a…what? and you did what? get out of my bedroom.)

undressed dicks (so…you’re talking about lawyers getting naked here? no?)

hollow weiner (he once was hollow, but now he’s stuffed)

you are my candy girl (not in your wildest dreams)

rhyme with esophagus (okay…sarcophagus. metropolis. adopt-a-kiss. see? it can be done.)

every time you stub your toe, what happens? (well, if you’re me, it goes something like this: “FUCK! motherfucking cocksucking fuck! ahhhhhh! fucking…fuck! shit!” and then after about twenty seconds the pain subsides and you stop hopping around on one foot. and if your feet are as large as mine and you prefer to walk around barefoot, you can expect this to happen on a semi-regular basis. i hope this has been educational.)

1 2 3 you going to undress my song (no, i not going to)

ball sack ring (that sounds painful…i suggest to disinfect first)

woman nipple templares (what?)

boy tauching a undressed girl’s nipples (i hear tauching leads to secks, and then there is no mistery left)

best preamp for U87 mic (i hear the neve 1073 matches up with it nicely…i imagine the great river MP-2NV would do a nice job as well, but i sadly lacked preamps good enough to hear what a U87 could really do back when i had one of those mics briefly…)

pictures of undress girl sitting on boy (there must be many very disappointed horny people who end up at my website/blog-thing while looking for things like this)

things to do with semen creepy (well, “semen creepy” is so difficult to define…i suppose you could make abstract art with it. i’ll get back to you with a list.)

masturbating underwater (would that i had a swimming pool to call my own)

undress your chest to me (when you put it that way, how can i resist?)

undressed girls with the wind (you can do that? seriously? i had no idea it was that simple. all this time, i’ve been taking the wind for granted.)

art + preamp + montreal ( = well-recorded paintings with francophone accents)

undresses in the studio (i almost did that once, at the old house, when the summer heat was sweltering without air conditioning. then central air came and saved me from the prospect of recording naked.)

cvreepy samta (he wants you to come snit on his lamp)

songs about sucking on nipples (now there’s a compilation cd that would be a sure-fire hit at parties)

undressing unconscious girls (dude! no! just…no.)

why do people undress at night? (that’s a silly question. because the nighttime is allergic to clothing! come on!)

ball sack!!! (now that’s more like it. put some feeling into it!)

old man touching dark nipples video (uh…yeah. i’ll pass on that one. if it was a video of old nipples touching a dark man, now…totally different story.)

music sex notes (i believe those live in the bass clef)

johnny west dressing (that’s right—i’m an entrepreneur, like paul newman, with my own salad dressing brand and everything)

my dog’s stick is hard when i undress (i think you and your dog need to have a chat. we can’t bottle our feelings up inside. it just isn’t healthy.)

fetish for people who dress as a lamp (i believe the proper term for that is “i am turned on by fucked up things”)

sleeping with the television on is bad (you don’t say…bad for who?)

why is undressing and dressing a problem? (because you’re always getting out of one state of dressage and into another)

how to watch your step sister undress (step one: use eyes; step two: get caught; step three: get slapped)

cameo long nipples (they showed up in an old herzog movie, didn’t they? quite the memorable cameo for old long nipples there)

pierced nipple cage (that just sounds inhumane…pierced nipples should be free)

games where you get to totally undress people (i know one—it’s called “what happens when you get naked with a partner”)

undressed girl’s shoe (how can she be wearing a shoe if she really and truly got undressed? you need to think about these things, people)

she’s just a fool (you were searching for paris hilton, i assume)

blow into it play keys (i can totally inflate a volleyball and play piano simultaneously)

miley cyrus barefoot microphone (i’m not sure i want to sing into that thing…what colour nail polish does she use on her toes? that might sway me a little)

wedding dresses that are hard to undress (you can’t undress a physical dress…that would be like un-facing a face)