nine things modern mainstream music videos have taught me.

1. in a post-apocalyptic world, survivors will somehow still manage to find hairdressers, hair products, and makeup.

2. all women wake up looking like they somehow groomed themselves in the middle of the night while sleepwalking, complete with immaculate hair and not a single blemish or bloodshot eye.

3. choreographed dancing happens in public places and on city streets all the time, and no one ever gets injured or hit by a car in the process.

4. timbaland has a neurological problem that causes him to make absurdly stupid-looking facial expressions almost every time a camera is pointed in his direction. he’s a brave soul not to let his disability get him down.

5. it’s okay to treat your significant other like dirt, and you should go ahead and cheat on them if you feel like it, because true love conquers all and the one you claim to care for will almost always come back to you in the end.

6. kissing britney spears will either kill you or make you bulletproof. either way, you’re taking your life in your hands.

7. nothing spells “serious” and “artistic” like a single unbroken take of a singer lip-syncing. bonus points if you start to cry at some point. extra bonus points if you end the video by wiping away the tears with your fingers while staring into the camera looking intensely sad.

8. when attempting to create the illusion that you’re performing the song in your video, it isn’t necessary to pay attention to detail, because the half-baked subplot cutting in and out will distract the viewer from glaring inconsistencies like electric guitars not actually being plugged in, no amplifiers being present, a double-tracked lead vocal somehow being sung by a single person, or not nearly enough musicians/instruments being present on the screen to account for how layered the music is.

9. when all else fails, take off your clothes and/or make out with a model.

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