How Some People End Up Here

(Or, “What happened? I was looking for naked celebrities and I found this instead.”)

Here’s something fun — these are search engine terms that have led people to my blog. In the beginning it was pretty typical and unexciting stuff, mostly to do with recording equipment. Then things got weird in a hurry. Every so often I sift through the archives and post highlights here. Sometimes I wonder who thinks to type these things into a search engine and what they expect to find.

Warning: about 87% of the content on this page runs the risk of being sexual, profane, offensive, or life-altering. Things start to get really good about halfway down the page.

Newest additions can always be found at the bottom. The search engine terms are in bold, followed by my responses in not-bold.

(last updated: December 2017)

Sexy magic dust undress

How much fun would it be to have some of that dust?

Undress mud

Who knew it could be done?

Marshmallow dicks

And here I thought they stopped selling those things…

Bra commercial Night Moves music “Bob Seger”

Bob Seger in a bra commercial? That’s just wrong, man.

Children story undressing and dressing

No one ever read that one to me when I was a kid.

Lanois “mono overhead”

Apparently it’s true — Dan just uses a U47 or something as a lone overhead mic when he’s recording drums, and then a snare and a kick mic. The man knows his stuff.

Miley Cyrus undress down

So now you’re getting picky about the trajectory of nudity?

Undress Britney and then a monster comes

Finally, something that makes sense to me.

Hospital women undress video

I think i saw that one in a hotel room once. It was called Naughty Night Nurses 75.

Nude brides caught off guard

What the shit? Is that like Girls Gone Wild for people with wedding dress fetishes or something?

Dressing to Undress

Sooner or later, it’s what we all end up doing…though I can’t for the life of me remember why I chose that as the official title for my blog here. Maybe it was something about the cyclical nature of things. I might have tried to come up with something else if I had any idea it would end up lasting so long. In any case, I’m stuck with it now.

Who sings “As I walk through the valley of death”?

That would be me. The singing guy, i mean.

VS-880 microphone

They made  a microphone specifically for that mixer? Really?

Undressing nude by the sea compilation

I never caught the TV commercials for that CD…what a shame. I imagine it included songs like “Caribbean Queen” and “Walking the Cow.”

Undress up

Don’t mind if I do. Where’s my flesh-coloured tie rack?

Songs with toy piano

Yann Tiersen’s got some.

Scott Walker “Tilt” 

An album that’ll blow your brain wide open. At least that’s what it did to me.

U47 “recording guitar”

I bet that would sound pretty nice,

Johnnywestmusic blog hirsute

That’s me, in a nutshell (the subheading here used to say, “The ramblings of a hirsute recluse.” Maybe all the writers who used to call me reclusive stole that idea from here and were even lazier than I thought at the time.)

Streaming undress

You don’t want to see streaming video of me doing that. Trust me here.

Ever try running an entire mix through a mic preamp?

Yes. Yes I have. But only with things that were recorded without any mic preamps, long ago and far away.

“Two chord songs” sheet

I don’t have that sheet, but I hear the members of Green Day do. Wait…my mistake…that’s the “most overused and reused and over-reused chord progressions in the world” sheet. Never mind then.

Terotica

Do you dream about language-warping LeAnn Rimes music videos shot in the desert too?!

Screaming nipples

Yes, that’s the name of the first Papa Ghostface CD.

Video clips of women dressing and undressing

Alas, there’s none of that here. Sorry to let you down.

Front-of-kit FOK mono stereo

How can something be mono and stereo simultaneously? Or are you trying to determine whether you should use one mic in that application or two?

“Penis says”+2008+WordPress

I really want to know who types something like that into Google. It’s not the sort of math I know how to compute.

AEA R88 overheads

Definitely give it a try if you’ve got the mic.

Sexy un-dress up

This should be a designated workplace activity, like Dress-Down Day.

Naked LeAnn Rhymes

I don’t think you’ll ever get to see that. Sorry, dude.

R88 piano

I bet that sounds nice. Sadly the mic clip AEA supplied me with is defective, limiting how I can position the microphone. So I couldn’t weigh in with my opinion there.

AEA R88, price

It’ll run you about two grand. Maybe a bit more — or less — depending on where you live and where you’re getting it from. But it’s worth the scratch.

Traction final mix

If you can do a final mix while in traction, I bow down before you.

How glad the many millions

Sinatra’s got a crush on you.

Undress Kate Beckinsale

Well, if you insist…

Undress me

Okay, but I’m not gonna do it for free.

Undress Jesse

That’s pushing it a bit.

Hirsute female

Check out Jennifer Miller and her performance troupe Circus Amok. She’s a cool lady.

“Stepsister” undress

Well, now we’re getting a little kinky, aren’t we?)

Guys and dicks

Yeah…I hear they sometimes have those things.

Tosteestostas

My imaginary record label, est. 1999.

Quirky instruments

I’ve got a few.

Came from somewhere back in her long ago

Michael McDonald, man. You need to watch Yacht Rock if you haven’t seen it. Seriously.

Undress high school musical characters

Vanessa Hudgens, maybe. But I’m not taking off Zac Efron’s clothes. Sorry. No dice.

Cheap inflatable ukuleles

I gotta find me one of those.

Oesophagus song

It’s very deep and resonant, as if being sung from deep within you, isn’t it?

Example of cord dressing

Patch cords wear clothes? When did this become a thing?

Soap opera Rapid Aging Syndrome

Now this is a real thing. It’s also one of the best acronyms ever.

Billy Joel sleeping with the television

So that’s why his marriage to Christy Brinkley didn’t last. “Irreconcilable differences”, huh?

Genital herpes cured

Hope I didn’t disappoint anyone there…

He came to her sometime from somewhere back long ago

The sentimental man who is foolish fails to use his eyes.

Forced undress stage video

Maybe you’re thinking of a scene from the film Pretty Persuasion?

1932 Washburn mandolin banjo

I’ve never heard of such a thing. Sounds interesting, though I’d call it something else, like…a mandojo. Or a banjolin.

Giraffe teather

Is that what you call it when your father is a giraffe-based tea?

Benylin

Stay away! Stay away!

Sock WOHIS 

Nah…they gave me money. Why would I want to hit them?

How much is Johnny West dolls worth?

I have a doll?

Lyric “the greatest thing you ever can do now”

That’s Led Zeppelin—“Friends”, off of the third album. Good song. I used to listen to it in the car sometimes on the way to high school in the morning.

“Can’t contain myself” “Looking out the window”

The song you’re looking for is “Striking” by Francis and the Lights.

Mic preamp Damien Rice

He uses those things too? Say it isn’t true!

Undress games tic tac toe

Tragically, no one ever played this advanced version of tic-tac- toe with me when I was in school.

Sleep undress

Doesn’t one come before the other?

Red means stop green means go and yellow means slow down

Lies! All lies!

Tinkle tinkle in a jar

I had to do that once. The stepfather said, “Stick your peter in here,” and I was laughing so hard I almost pissed all over him.

Miley Cyrus has a growth spurt

Let me guess…it was in her shoe.

Undress and bend over

Shouldn’t we get to know each other a little better first?

Wind machine bass line

Well blow me down!

Love me thongs

So you’re British and you’ve got a thing for underoos, eh?

Little miss sexpot

That’s what they called me back in school.

guyswithdicks.com

I imagine that would have been our website address, had the band stayed together. And I imagine 90% of our traffic would have been from people looking for porn.

Scotch tape sex

Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Woman undress and electrical guitars

A winning combination?

Stoned mouse

That would either be very amusing to see, or very disturbing.

Whoreprincess.com

Uh…I don’t think that’s a real website.

Dead skin hill

I’d like to own a cabin there someday. What a peaceful place. A little dry, sure, but you can’t have it all, can you?

Undressing the dressing people

That is the most amazing logic I’ve ever encountered in task form.

Hanging heart

Loose and to the left?

Why are mic preamps expensive?

Because they hate you. And because the good ones are made out of things that don’t make the baby Jesus cry, and as a result they actually sound good.

Urban garlic

Yo…dig my scented flow, dog…the pervasive lingering aroma of edible whimsy.

Angel holding unconscious woman with his arms

I’ll give you six dollars if you draw a picture of that for me.

eBay Crane Song Flamingo

No, they don’t show up there. Ever. But I used to have one. It was a cool-looking thing.

Hover your mouse over me to undress me

I don’t even have to use my hands? Sweetness!

Cows copulating

I saw them from my window on the train. They were lovers too beautiful for this world…so they did it behind a barn while I ate antipasto.

Papa suck my nippels

First you need to learn how to spell “nipples”. And thinking of me as a father figure will only lead to disappointment.

Can’t punch in on my Roland VS-1680

Oh, but you can! It seems odd at first, but once you figure out how to do it, it’s easy as pie. Pumpkin pie. Check out the confusing manual and you’ll find directions in there somewhere. Knowing how to punch in does come in handy from time to time.

YouTube lack dressing

YouTube is kind of lacking in that department, isn’t it? I suggest you check out my refrigerator, where you’ll surely find Italian and French dressing.

Does Thom Yorke use Neve preamps?

No. But Neve Campbell does.

Bedtime nipple stories

Once upon a time, there was a…what? And you did what? Get out of my bedroom.

Undressed dicks

So…you’re talking about lawyers getting naked here? No?

Hollow weiner

He once was hollow, but now he’s stuffed.

You are my candy girl

Not in your wildest dreams.

Rhyme with esophagus

Sarcophagus.
Metropolis.
Adopt-a-kiss.
See? It can be done.

Every time you stub your toe, what happens?

Well, if you’re me, it goes something like this: “FUCK! Motherfucking cocksucking fuck! Ahhhhhh! Fucking…fuck! Shit!” And then after about twenty seconds the pain subsides and you stop hopping around on one foot. And if your feet are as large as mine and you prefer to walk around barefoot, you can expect this to happen on a semi-regular basis.

I hope this has been educational.

1 2 3 you going to undress my song

No, I not going to.

Ball sack ring

That sounds painful…I suggest disinfecting first.

Woman nipple templares

What?

Boy tauching a undressed girl’s nipples

I hear tauching leads to secks, and then there iz no mistery left.

Best preamp for U87 mic

Supposedly the Neve 1073 matches up with it well. I imagine the Great River MP-2NV would do a nice job too, but I sadly lacked preamps good enough to hear what a U87 could do back when I had one of those mics for a short time, and I got rid of it because it wasn’t doing it for me.

Pictures of undress girl sitting on boy

There must be many very disappointed horny people who end up at my blog while looking for things like this.

Things to do with semen creepy

Well, “semen creepy” is so difficult to define…I suppose you could make abstract art with it. I’ll get back to you with a list.

Masturbating underwater

Would that I had a swimming pool to call my own.

Undress your chest to me

When you put it that way, how can I say no?

Undressed girls with the wind

You can do that? Seriously? I had no idea it was that simple. All this time I’ve been taking the wind for granted.

Art + preamp + Montreal

= well-recorded paintings with French accents.

Undresses in the studio

I almost did that once at the old house when the summer heat was sweltering without air conditioning. Then central air came and saved me from the prospect of recording naked.

Cvreepy Samta

He wants you to come snit on his lamp. He has some presence for you.

Songs about sucking on nipples

Now there’s a compilation CD that would be a sure-fire hit at parties.

Why do people undress at night?

That’s a silly question. Because the nighttime is allergic to clothing! Come on!

Ball sack!!!

Now that’s more like it. Put some feeling into it!

Old man touching dark nipples video

Uh…yeah. I’ll pass on that one. If it was a video of old nipples touching a dark man, now…totally different story.

Music sex notes

I believe those live in the bass clef.

Johnny West dressing

That’s right — I’m an entrepreneur, like Paul Newman, with my own salad dressing line and everything.

My dog’s stick is hard when I undress

I think you and your dog need to have a chat. We can’t bottle our feelings up inside. It just isn’t healthy.

Fetish for people who dress as a lamp

I believe the proper term for that is “I am turned on by fucked up things”.

Sleeping with the television on is bad

You don’t say. Bad for who?

Why is undressing and dressing a problem?

Because you’re always getting out of one state of dressage and into another.

How to watch your step sister undress

Step one: use eyes.
Step two: get caught.
Step three: get slapped.

Cameo long nipples

They showed up in an old Herzog movie, didn’t they? Quite the memorable cameo for old long nipples there.

Pierced nipple cage

That just sounds inhumane. Pierced nipples should be free.

Undressed girl’s shoe

How can someone be wearing a shoe if they really and truly got undressed? You need to think about these things, people.

Blow into it play keys

I can totally inflate a volleyball and play piano simultaneously.

Wedding dresses that are hard to undress

You can’t undress a dress. That would be like un-facing a face.

Glockenspiel = scrotum

This is a mathematical breakthrough…but then, whose scrotum have I been playing for the past few years?

Undressing for money tubes

Understandable. I’d do anything for money tubes.

An atrophied imagination to undress anybody

I have no words.

Be my quarterback my candy

Not today. Sorry.

I always thought that it was me wanting you

You thought wrong. It was you wanting that other guy over there.

We need time for some things to happen

To quote Khan from Star Trek II: “Time is a luxury you don’t have, Admiral.”

Dresses and swimming pools don’t mix

You’re telling me…

Mic’ing a live banjo

A recipe for feedback. Your best bet is to have things quiet enough onstage that you don’t need much volume in the monitors, otherwise it’s going to feed back in a lot of ugly ways. Might be best to get a pickup installed.

Undressed fucky rapes

You did what now?!

Good and bad way + God

= …uh…spiritual conflict?

Aggressive undresser clothing solutions

This is an infomercial I would pay to see.

Avedis + E27 + bottom

= a really nice-sounding bum?

The ashtray told me you were up all night

Oh did it, now? Remind me to punish that ash receptacle for telling tales out of school again.

Sigmund Freud desk

Do they still sell those? I could use a good freudian sit.

Undress guys on fences

Ah, the nudity of indecision.

Undressed crab

Isn’t that kind of a self-defeating action? Unless you’re referring to a person with a terminally dour disposition, in which case I guess it makes sense.

Catch beer in the box and they undress

I guess it’s more exciting than hitting a pinata.

There’s a bit of everybody in my candy

Really? Let’s find Adam Sandler!

Rode K2 vs. Pearlman TM-1

Oh man…that’s not even a fair fight. The Pearlman rises up and slays the Rode while spitting sea water in its face and laughing. Not even remotely in the same league, though the K2 is a decent enough mic. The Pearlman is just better in every way.

What is a female fowl called?

A fowlette — just as a female towel is called a towelette.

Why do people undress for sex?

You know, I really don’t know…force of habit, I suppose.

Word on the street is you been missin’ me

That’s a dirty lie, and you know it.

Before bed come up with songs

That’s what I do! It’s like you know me!

Puerto Rico thumb piano

I gotta get me one of those.

Imagenes de melodica

Je ne mange pas dans la piscine.

Monkey knows

He surely does.

Best wet ass

I believe that award goes to either Bruce Willis in The Color of Night or Mickey Rourke in Wild Orchid. We need a showdown to break the tie.

Ball sack moving

No! We were just getting to know each other! Why do everyone and their balls always move away?

I am in bed with Johnny West and a melodica

This was a real thing that happened once.

I’m lonely someone must love Christ

Have you thought of placing a personal ad somewhere?

What happens to people who undress?

I believe they become badgers.

I just can’t contain some people

Perhaps you should work on becoming a larger container.

I don’t wanna think anymore

Turn on the television! Guaranteed brain damage.

Eenie Meanie Miney Mo Lover meaning

You want to know the meaning of that Justin Bieber song? How about, “I am either a giant douche whose entire image is a facade built on appropriating slang that sounds completely ridiculous coming out of my mouth, or whoever is responsible for creating and maintaining my image is a giant douche, and this song is one of the most pathetic products ever created in the history of the universe, with no real meaning at all aside from ‘girls have boobs and i want to touch them’.” I think that about covers it.

Preamp from hell

Satan makes microphone preamps? If so, I’d like to try the stereo version.

Happiest pic ever

Here you go.

What about my ball sack?

It just isn’t working out, I’m afraid. Your ball sack doesn’t meet my expectations. We don’t see eye to sack. It’s not you — it’s your genitals.

Pictures of your dad undressing you

I hate to disappoint, but all of those have already been sold on eBay.

Censored sigh

That must be one dirty sigh you’ve got there…

Great minds think metaphorically

Whoever thought to type that phrase into a search engine deserves a prize for original thinking. Seriously. I like it.

What is a heartgasm?

It’s what happens when your heart really, really loves something, but the love gets confused with less pure impulses and sticky stuff comes out.

I am your late night evening prostitute

Pleased to meet you. I am your early day morning client. We really need to work on synchronizing our schedules.

People with dicks for heads

They lead lives of quiet penis-faced desperation.

Chainsaw + sexy girl

= the murderous psychopath of my dreams. Hey — you’re getting better at this math stuff!

Whatever happened to Brooke Ballentyne?

Well, aside from having her name pop up in a Johnny West song back in 2008, last I saw she was on Myspace preaching about how she retired from the “business” after being saved by Jesus, and she spent almost all of her internet time telling anyone who read her blog posts that they were horrible dirty sinners who were going to burn in hell, even though no one ever commented or said anything inappropriate to her. I’m not kidding. Not even a little bit. How’s that for a switch from being a no-holds-barred porn star?

Did Harry Nilsson’s voice ever recover?

For the most part, yes. It was never again quite as otherworldly in its elasticity as it was before Pussy Cats, but there’s some really fantastic singing on Knnillssonn, and while Harry might have lost a little bit at the very top of his range there was a whole new richness to his lower register. He could still hit some insanely high notes while working filthy humour into a love song, as proven by “I Never Thought I’d Get This Lonely”. Hell, there’s some great singing on Sandman and Duit on Mon Dei too, and if it’s a little ragged in places, it suits the songs.

So I stabbed the fucker and stole his mints

Well played, good sir. Can I buy you a drink?

I hate penis

Sadly, I don’t think you and I can be friends, for I possess that which you claim to hate.

Why pirating music should be legal

The best argument I can think of is the simple fact that most modern music is so lame and artistically bankrupt it isn’t worth paying for.

We conserve Madison

Nice of you not to use her all up in one go.

Baby don’t be bald

Sounds like the title for a heart-rending love song to me. Mind if I borrow it?

I’m afraid we are out of badgers

No! You promised me badgers! You lied!

Music will eat you

I’d best be garnishing myself, then. Wouldn’t want to make a bad impression on the taste buds of music.

Screaming woman undresses on train

Why doesn’t anything this exciting ever happen when I’m on a train?

Freddy and the French Fries

Weren’t they that novelty group from the 1960s who had a big hit with that song called “We Might Clog Your Arteries, but Douse Us in Gravy and Eat Us Anyway”? It was a pretty catchy tune.

I’ll be lonely I’m gonna be lonely

With an attitude like that, you’ll never be lonely. Shame on you.

Cardboard buildings for Johnny West

Someone designed architecture for me? Using cardboard? For real? I don’t know what to say. I feel I’ve truly arrived.

Blog slacking

It’s a sad thing to behold. But you can always make up for lost time with insanely long posts. That’s what I like to do when I start to slack on the blog updates, anyway.

Eenie meenie me and the very sad day

This sounds like the best children’s book I’ve never read. Please tell me you wrote and illustrated it and I can buy it from my local Chapters or Indigo bookstore.

How can you keep the devil out of someone?

I’ve found making a sign that says Live Entertainment Every Night Provided by Barry Manilow and erecting it somewhere around the person’s soul seems to do the trick. Not even Satan can tolerate the Manilow. “Copacabana” makes him break out in satanic hives.

No! I’m looking at cameras that look cool and shit!

I can see how that would be distressing.

I think I’m warm and accommodating

It’s good that you have such a high opinion of yourself. Hopefully you won’t be offended if I tell you I think you’re cold and standoffish.

I miss you most when I’m sad. I miss you when I’m lonely.

Obviously you don’t really care about me. If you did, you would only miss me when you’re suffering from indigestion.

Would you tear your best mate’s hair out? Alcohol — know your limits.

Now there’s a public service announcement I can get behind! Where’d I put the scotch?

Punch on ass

I would really like to see you get in the ring with someone’s ass. You need a good trainer, though, so he can bark advice at you like, “Jab that left cheek! Close up the crack! Watch out for that gas! He’s looking to put you down fast!”

Mackenzie Hall penis art

They had penis art at Mackenzie Hall? And I missed it?! My life has no meaning now.

Suck my disc

Is it herniated? ‘Cause if it is, I ain’t suckin’ it.

I’m Brak, and this is my song

Lovely song, Brak. I like that one part…you know…where you do the thing…and then that other thing happens. It’s good stuff.

Harmonica giving head

I can’t fathom how that could possibly be a pleasurable sensation. But if it’s a harmonica in the key of C and your penis is capable of expelling air, you can play “Piano Man” while you get a painful blowjob. Now there’s a new one for a TV talent search program. “Sing us a song, you’re the…AAAAAAAAH! OH GOD!”

Semen socks

I would walk a mile in your shoes, but I think I’d prefer to go barefoot.

Strange dildos

Isn’t that an Electric Light Orchestra song? I think it goes, “Strange dildos, shaped like a car…Strange dildos…Got a strange dildo!”

Merry Christmas boobs

I’m confused. Are the breasts spreading holiday cheer, or are you just letting your body know that you care? Either way, carry on.

What’s the best way to get rid of hair around your nipples?

Blowtorch. Works every time.

He blows goats. I have proof.

Show me!

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo. Catch a tiger by the toe…Who in their right mind would try to catch a tiger by the toe?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Swallow typewriter ribbon

Would I then be able to type you a letter inside my stomach?

Do you want to touch my seagull? I’ve shaved it.

That was nice of you. As I like to say, there’s nothing more attractive than a clean-shaven seagull.

Death dildos

Because even the grim reaper gets horny sometimes.

Jesus kissing Satan

I don’t know, man…are you sure it was Jesus? I very clearly heard him say, “I never kiss a beelzebub on the first date.”

Wait — I have photographic proof! It really did happen after all.



Bowling chicken

He just bowled a perfect game! What the cluck is up with that?

Teach me undress a fridge girl

Here’s the best piece of advice you’re ever going to get on the subject: go for the vegetable crisper first. It never fails.

Do mice have dicks?

Let me answer your question with another question: is a toothpick a hidden commentary on the state of the modern world?

I undress myself to get fucked

You’re a go-getter! Yes you are!

Dymo DiscPainter overpriced poor quality discontinued

You kind of covered it all right there. Kudos.

Satan’s ball sack

I hear he shaves down there, making for one smooth satanic sack.

It took time to lay out his instruments and come to a quirky discovery

Are you writing my life story or something here?

Dragon genitals

They’re more fiery than satan’s smooth sack. So they’ve got that going for them.

Best songs to undress to

“Goodbye Stranger” by Supertramp and “Gary’s Got a Boner” by the Replacements. You’re welcome.

Garlic Cat

You asked for it. Here you go.

My clown will eat you alive

Fuck your clown! He doesn’t have sharp enough teeth to chew through my contempt for him.

Penis infections

That’s the sort of thing you want to avoid if you can.

Don’t mess with us Satan, we got God

Yeah! You hold god hostage and see how fast Satan changes his tune! Oh, wait…

Imagenes de dibujos animados borrachos

Uh…si?

Naked men broad chest hairy pubics free

Didn’t quite find what you were looking for here, did you? But it’s good that you’re specific about what you’re after.

In bed fucking in comic form with dick sticking in the air

I realize animated characters can bend the rules a bit, but how exactly is it intercourse if your penis is “sticking in the air”? Seems to me the only thing you’re penetrating is gravity.

My soldiers can say, “Shoot me first,” and run towards you, so you say then, “Don’t shoot him run in this shit”

I think your soldiers have issues. And just for the record, I would never tell anyone to “run in this shit”. I would say, “Frolic in this fine fecal servitude. Left! Right! Left, right, left!”

Big beefy dildos

What about slim vegan dildos? No one ever talks about them.

The villain chair back

There’s a new bad guy for a superhero movie. I can see it now.

Fresh boob

Hey…I think stale boobs are underrated.

Get dressing get undressing

Make up your mind already! Do you want me naked or not?

What is a wind piano?

It’s something played by nature but built by a frustrated young pizza delivery boy.

Eavestrough leading to a dry well

That’s…like…poetic, or something.

Subliminal advertising sex jewelry

Like this?

Dead giraffe in dumpster

Dude, where do you live?!

Jewelled piano fingers

I imagine finding appropriate gloves for your black-and-whites would be a little difficult.

Weirdest costume ever

That would be this.

Hug me and tell me everything will be fine

I can’t do that. But I can kiss you and tell you some things will be mediocre, and others will be fabulous.

Mickey Mouse condoms

Do they laugh if the penis they’re protecting is below a certain size threshold?

Racy ashtray

Ash in me baby…ash like you’ve never ashed before…yeah…you ash in me so good…

Cheese in brain

Fry up some bread with your brain and you can have yourself a pretty cerebral grilled cheese sandwich.

I just want to punch you in the face

Yeah…but how do you really feel?

Yodelling penis

That’s another thing I would pay to see.

Chicken eating grasshopper

Are you sure that’s the sort of thing your chicken should be chewing on?

The shelf bent under the weight of the books

Then I sneezed, and the universe shook.

Is there any website that can undress the people?

“The people, Eddie, The people! Don’t tell me about the people, Eddie! The people sit in front of their little TVs with their bellies full of beer and fall asleep. What do the people know, Eddie? Don’t tell me about the people, Eddie!”

(That’s from the Humphrey Bogart/Rod Steiger movie The Harder They Fall, in case you didn’t know.)

John Lennon in hell

You shut your mouth!

She undressed on the piano

Did the piano get excited? Was there a sudden marked increase in sostenuto?

Penis Cheetos joke

You want a joke about Cheetos and a penis? Here you go.

So there’s this guy. And one day, while taking a piss, he notices his penis is orange.

He goes to see the doctor the next day and asks, “Dude…why is my dick orange?”

The doctor says, “Hmm…I’ve never seen anything like this. Here — take a few of these pills and come back tomorrow.”

The guy goes home, takes the medication, and it doesn’t do anything. He wakes up the next day with his dick still orange.

He goes back to see the doctor, who says, “Here’s something stronger. Take this and come see me again tomorrow.”

The guy goes home, takes the pills, and the next day his dick is still orange. So he goes back to the doctor again.

The doctor says, “Here’s the strongest stuff I have. You’ll be out for twelve hours, and you can’t eat, drink, or drive during that time. This should fix you up. Come back in a few days.”

The guy comes back a few days later, and wouldn’t you know — his dick is still orange.

“Damn,” the doctor says. “What the hell is going on? What kind of sex have you been having?”

The guy says, “Well…actually, I haven’t had sex in a long time.”

The doctor thinks for a moment, and then he asks, “What did you do last night.”

The guy says, “Same thing I do most nights. I was watching porn while eating Cheetos.”

I love Fuzzy Duck

Aw…he loves you too! See?

My taste in music is perfect and everyone who disagrees is wrong and probably smells weird

Well aren’t you a good little elitist!

Marionette mechanism

Is that the name of your tech metal band? ‘Cause I like it.

Beware, or I’ll release the flying monkeys

That’s what I want you to do! I dare to not beware. Do your worst, curator of magic monkeys.

Talk Talk “Laughing Stock” vinyl

Spend the extra money on a good used copy. The reissue is either defective, or — if you’re lucky enough to get a copy that isn’t defective — disappointingly noisy for such dynamic, beautifully-recorded music. You’d be better off sticking with the CD, which is what they used to cut the new vinyl anyway. Kind of defeats the entire purpose if you ask me.

Why do teeth hurt more at night?

Because you have two sets of teeth. The promiscuous teeth are active during the day, while at night there’s a shift-change and the virgin teeth take over. You need to be gentle with virgin teeth.

Sometimes I pretend to be a carrot

You too? I thought it was just me! Let’s be friends and hang out with someone who enjoys pretending to be celery.

The Reaper eating Cheetos

Hey, even messengers of death like their junk food.

Chicken heart ball sack

Now that’s more like it. Nothing says “I love you” like the genitals of a chicken’s heart.

Sometimes the words hug

Aw…words can be so tender.

What is the angle for best distance?

This is the question that wakes me up in the middle of the night.

Disadvantage of owning a dog comic

  1. Cats may not find the jokes as funny as other dogs do.
  2. If your dog experiences a lot of overnight success on the comedy circuit, he may develop an inflated ego and start to believe he should be walking you instead of the other way around.
  3. He’ll practice his material at the most inconvenient times.
  4. Fleas.

Semi-anthropomorphic bass guitar

It’s part animal? I bet the low end on that thing is something else.

If I wrote “dear diary”, is that a journal entry?

No. It’s a prayer for a better future.

How to undress a light sleeper

That’s easy. Wake them up and ask politely. In the alternative, fishing line and paperclips always worked for me.

Johnny Arsenic

That’s what they call me when I’m angry. YOU WOULDN’T WANNA DRINK ME WHEN I’M ANGRY.

Things to put in your outhouse

A home decorating guide that’s a little off the beaten path.

Why do people undress when they have sex?

So they can study each other’s bodies with the purpose of using any perceived flaws or weaknesses as ammunition during future arguments.

Why is Joe Satriani bald?

It’s all Coldplay’s fault.

Small nervous dogs start the day

When you don’t have coffee, nervous dogs are the next best thing.

Half-empty halibut ska

Is that a new genre of music within the fish kingdom?

Shark drawings for kids

Here’s one.

A suspicious man running away in the dark

That would be me, because i just stole your dental floss. Sorry about that. I had a piece of broccoli that just wouldn’t budge.

She wants more pee-holding volume

Hey, sometimes wishes come true. She could get a more voluminous bladder for Christmas. You never know.

Do not keep people here, keep people at their own painting

Well, if we’re living in a totalitarian society, at least everyone will have something pretty to look at.

Frog screaming bullshit

Now that I’d like to see.

Spring time nipples are loose

No! Capture them! Return those renegade nipples to the season from whence they came!

It will all be worth it at the end wallpaper

Fuck that shit. You need depressing things on your wall. You need wallpaper that says, “There is no point. Abandon hope.”

When I was your age, we had stoned sex

Hey, I’m my age, and I never got to have stoned sex. No fair!

Let your imagination eat you alive

No thanks. But I will let it eat spaghetti. My imagination should be satiated.

Naked girls march pointlessly in Guitar Hero

Really? I’ve never played that game, but I don’t remember ever hearing anything about militaristic nudity. I must have missed the boat on that one.

I have the weirdest boner right now

Me too! Let’s compare erections!

Who sings the song that goes, “Smacked him in the face with my swinging ball sack”?

That would be Neil Diamond. The song is called “Love Is the Bulge Beneath My Trousers”, and the chorus goes, “Sweet ball sack of fury! You sing to my soul! Drink my maple syrup! Cleanse my toilet bowl!” It’s got a real guttural power to it.

My brain is full of fuck

Your poor brain. It must be lonely to be so profane.

Specimen typo sauna

C’est what?

Power ballads + ruptured tampon

= the triumphant return of Air Supply?

What happens in bed stays in bed

Yes, but is that the legacy we want to leave for our children? Perhaps it’s time to bring what happens between the sheets out into the wider world. Public sex for all, I say.

Sad hipster template

See: several of the “indie” and “alternative” bands currently getting press coverage.

Why are some people hairy?

It’s a physical manifestation of their inner turmoil.

Comic strip that has someone that does not know what is going on

Comic strip? Sounds more like life to me.

Unstable dressing

Word to the wise: science class and salad dressing composition do not play well together.

A diary entry to a doctor telling them that they are hopless

Dear Dr. Longfellow,

I regret to inform you that your attempts at hopping leave much to be desired. Some of your patients may be blind to your deficiencies, overcome by the novelty of being seen by a rabbit who claims to be a physician, but I see very clearly. Even when confronted with a carrot, your leaping at best resembles a sort of feeble air-humping motion, with your feet never leaving the ground. You should be ashamed. P.S. thanks for the topical ointment you prescribed last week. Worked like a charm.

Keep it clean or Mr. Clean will punch you

So he’s a steroid user acting out his aggression on innocent home-owners, huh? That explains the physique and the creepy fake-looking smile. I always suspected he was on the juice.

Penis sinus

You get stuffed up down there? I don’t think they sell genital decongestants. Masturbation is probably your best bet.

Now take a bow — you deserve it, condom

Someone NEEDS to turn this into a commercial. “What have you done for your condom today?”

I do believe I’ve shat my pantaloons

I’ll just be…moving…to the back of the room over here…away from the smell…

Johnny West porn

I have serious concerns about your mental health if this was a thing you were really hoping to find. Unless…I do have a few consumer-grade video cameras over here…

Then you realize you don’t even own cats

Ain’t that the way it always goes?

Shit saliva

If your fecal matter is drooling, you might want to get that checked out.

Breasts of a dog

It’s true: this was the original working title for the Smokey Robinson hit “Tears of a Clown”. We can only wonder what might have been if the record company bigwigs hadn’t intervened.

I’m living on a sexy dolphin

You’ve succeeded where others before you have faltered and failed. But where do you take shelter when a storm hits?

How to style my hair like Tom Waits

First, be Tom Waits. Then, wake up and step into the state of constant awesomeness that is you. I don’t think there’s any other way.

What does an anal fissure look like?

I’ll field this one, Bill. Children, you may want to avert your eyes.

new fissure

I farted kitty

Well, that’s a freaky coincidence — I just belched dog!

Funny ways to censor a photo

That would be THIS. You’re welcome.

Ayam sexy

No yernaught.

Before and after Chad Kroeger

At some future date, this is how the years of our lives will be classified, instead of Before and After Christ.

I cut too much skin off my toe

That’ll happen when you’re trimming your skin.

Wiener pee pee boner

That…is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read. Step forward and collect your prize.

I am cow

Hear you moo?

Giraffe shoulder nudge

The most meaningful sign of respect there is.

I will hide you in the crevice of the rock and cover you with my hand song

That ain’t a song — it’s scripture.

Shut the fuck off and train

If only all boxing trainers spoke to their fighters like this.

When I wake up, the first thing I want to meet is piano

I too have felt those feelings, my friend.

Complacent Cat

I guess I brought this one on myself.

complacent cat

You are born with nothing and better off this way

As soon as you have something, they are going to send someone to steal that shit.

Undress and copulate in me

You’re a forward one, aren’t you?

Do not empty dog here

Feel free, however, to refill gerbil.

Man bullet nipples

They made bullets from the flesh of man. but what they weren’t prepared for were…HIS NIPPLES. Coming next summer, the new action movie everyone will be talking about: Man Bullet Nipples. Starring Nicolas Cage, Elizabeth Shue’s hairdresser, and some random inanimate object.

He undresses to show us his package

And so each action has a hidden purpose, as with the changing of the seasons.

The instrument of the gods is tuba with crabs

This is good to know.

Disappointed Cat

Okay, this is getting out of hand now.

disappointed cat

At this rate, I’ll end up having sex even with my sister

Dude…how many bed sheets have you befouled?!

What makes a good microphone preamplifier?

The simple technical answer is probably something like, “That which amplifies the signal your microphone is producing in a relatively honest, flat way, without introducing any noticeable distortion or imparting any significant colouration.”

The answer you’re likely to be looking for is much more subjective and complicated.

I imagine different people will tell you different things based on what they like to hear. Some people are after really precise, clinical sounds. Others want things thick and dirty.

For me, a good mic preamp is something that will take your source — assuming you’ve got a pretty good base sound to work with — and “heighten” it a little. I like preamps with a bit of colour. Case in point: I owned a Crane Song Flamingo for years. Beautiful piece of gear, beautifully-made, but it sounded a little too pristine for my taste, and I ended up selling it because I never used it. I gravitate more toward things like the Chandler Germanium and the Great River pres, where you can get things pretty clean if you want them to be, but you can also dial in a ton of hair. Because who doesn’t like the sound of hair?

I’ve found I prefer the sound of transformers over tubes or solid state designs, at least based on the preamps I’ve worked with. Good transformer-based mic pres seem to offer a nice middle ground between “super clean” and “super beefy”. Your mileage may vary.

And then there’s the whole debate about how many preamps you need. Some engineers think you need a different flavour of pre for almost every sound. Others believe you can track a great-sounding record through a single mic preamp. There are plenty of nice pres out there, along with some stuff that’s kind of crap, at both ends of the price spectrum. You’ll probably only know what you like once you put it through its paces with your equipment in your room. That’s the way it’s worked for me, at least.

Your answer makes the kitty sad

Hey, suck my balls! I tried my best.

Ponder the deep things of God

I often do.

A month that rhymes with “moon”

That would be December. Clearly.

Make me scream your name, Tumblr

Giving a blog dirty talk? That’s a new one for me. Let me try.

“Oh, WordPress…stroke my shaft…just like that…oh…oh yeah…that’s the spot…HTMLFUCKSHITFEELSSOGOOD!

Happy fucking birthday cat

This guy doesn’t even care if it really is your birthday. He just goes around screaming the same thing all the time, to everyone and everything. Check it out.

birthday cat

How old is Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is eternal. He transcends age. He has always been here. He will always be here.

Whoever has been reporting back to my ex, I’m glad my life is so interesting, but please mind your own business

I…kind of want to know the details behind this one.

Masturbating to the rhythm of music

But is it a rhythm…divine?

Buy a long harmonica

I refuse on the grounds that I may inseminate myself.

Love is better left undressed

Yes. Love is not like a salad.

Emma Bunton naked

This has never happened. At least not when a photographer was present. But here’s a picture of Lenny Kravitz shirtless to ease the pain.

Tape your mouth shut

I’d really rather not, if it’s all the same to you.

Why don’t you grow hair on your index finger?

It would undermine your moments of dramatic pointing. You’d be there, getting your point on real good, when the object of your pointing would say, “Dude…WHAT’S WITH THE HAIR?” And the spell would be broken.

Why do I undress myself in my sleep?

Maybe there are things you’re not telling yourself. About the feelings you have. For yourself.

Jesse Topliffe Canadian Idol 

This really happened. I even remember seeing a picture, circa 2005 or something. I can’t seem to dig it up on the internet anymore, though.

Sinus monster

The booger’s truest form?

Wanna have a sensitive nipple

Don’t we all?

Every August I dedicate my teeth to concrete lyrics

I do the same thing every July, only I dedicate my teeth to lyrics still in a state of flux.

Batgirl undress

bat girl

I like you so much my friend

That’s very nice of you to say! I have no idea who you are, but I’m sure I would like you too if I met you over a peanut buster parfait at Dairy Queen.

Pretty vicious set list

This is the unsolicited compliment everyone wants to get after playing a gig.

Stay in bedroom with guitar alone

Don’t mind if I do.

Dog breasting

I’m not sure I want to know what that entails.

Frosted wheat on shoulder

Is that overactive dandruff, or are you just happy to see me? Oh, it’s my breakfast! How thoughtful of you.

I am on fire

I have a fire extinguisher. We should do lunch.

Whydoyouwantmetoundressforthisaudition?

BecausemywifehasntacknowledgedmypenisinyearsandImsohornyIcouldflypleasedontsuethedramadepartment.

Sponge cleans hairy ass and balls

That’s a sponge that’s seen some shit. Literally.

People undress when they are kissing

This is true. I’ve always said, “If you ever want to see me naked, all you need to do is kiss me.”

Sweet animals listening to horrible music

I can do that for you.

cute animals alt

Taken up thy stethoscope and fuck!

Yes. Those were Roger Waters’ original lyrics to that Piper at the Gates of Dawn tune. How did you know?

Why do people undress for sex?

If you ever experienced the sensation of a zipper jabbing into the head of your dick or a pair of socks trying to steal your woman, you wouldn’t be asking this question.

Using sounds in rectum fun play

One of my favourite sounds for this purpose has always been, “ZERRRRRRPLOW!” Go ahead. Try springing that one on your partner next time you’re fooling around with their bum (with their clear permission, of course), without letting them know the sound effect is coming. You’ll thank me later.

Suitable term used for undressing chicken?

I’m partial to “declucking”, but the sky is the limit here.

To dream of crawling out of a basement

To wake up humping stairs.

Naked girl with a toaster up her butt

That’s one image I’m not going to doctor or seek out for you. Sorry to let you down there.

Meanie-Wheats cereal

Now this I can do.

meanie wheats

What is soft realism

It’s the opposite of forceful fakery.

Lip biting, ass grabbing, hair pulling

Chris Brown? Is that you? I’ve got a baseball bat here that would love to make friends with your face.

Just one night Johnny West sex

Well, okay. You wore me down. Your place or mine?

Hairiest bushes to appear in mainstream movies 13

If that’s an actual video series, or guide book, or something, I don’t even know what to say.

pictures sway from bear trap (pictures are crafty like that)

John the condom song

I believe the words go something like:

John, John the condom song —
He wished he was a dildo song.
The druggist said, “This won’t do.
In the condom trash with you.”

Fish made from thongs

I aim to please.

the mystical thong fish.

Talk about sick shit

Nah…I’d rather talk about robust, healthy shit. You always hear the horror stories. Let’s bring back heartwarming tales of successful bowel movements.

There’s a mad method to it

Now you’re catching on!

Is it possible to tune plastic organ reeds? 

I don’t believe so. I think I read a blog post once where someone opened one of those puppies up and found very little in the way of guts. There ain’t much to play around with inside a chord organ. But you never know. Maybe there’s a way.

Thank you for caring

Hey, you’re welcome!

Evil jazz band horror death paradise

I don’t know who you are, person-who-typed-this-into-a-search-engine, but I love you more than words can say.

I love my friend wallpaper

Your friend wallpaper loves you too.

What are some obsession phrases?

Here are a few you might find useful:

“I am obsessed.”

“I am feeling obsessive.”

“My nostrils are throbbing with a desire my chin cannot contain.”

“Flagalagaloo.”

Happy New Year dildo

New Year. New you. New dildo.

Fucking outside on a Christmas

I understand your passion, but you might want to clean Christmas off when you’re done. There’s only one of them to go around. You can’t just fuck on a Christmas, get it all gooey, and then buy a new one. It doesn’t work that way. We live in an imperfect world, I know.

Plantillas decorativas de Garfield

3 comments

  1. i don’t think i’ve seen this page before (i’m pretty sure i’d remember) but i happened to click on it today, and i think it could be re-named “Let’s Kill Meryl.” because between the search engine terms and your comments, i was almost killed by my own laughter and disbelief. i can’t even pick a favourite… so many of them are amazing!

  2. that’s not even a fraction of all the ridiculousness there’s been. i’ve been slacking in updating this page for ages. i generally get at least one or two amusing/demented search engine terms on a daily basis. i added some more recent ones at the bottom, just for you. i’m glad i’m not the only one who gets a kick out of them.

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