How Some People End Up Here

(or, “what happened? i was looking for naked celebrities, and i found this instead.”)

here’s something fun — these are search engine terms that have led people to my blog. in the beginning it was pretty typical and unexciting stuff. then things got weird in a hurry. every so often i sift through the archives and post highlights here. sometimes i wonder who thinks to type these things into a search engine, and what they expect to find.

warning: about 87% of the content on this page runs the risk of being sexual, profane, offensive, or life-altering. things start to get really good about halfway down the page.

newest additions can always be found at the bottom. the search engine terms are in bold, and my responses are in parentheses.

(last updated: july 2016)

sexy magic dust undress (how much fun would it be to have some of that dust?)

undress mud (who knew it could be done?)

marshmallow dicks (and here i thought they stopped selling those things…)

bra commercial night moves music “bob seger” (bob seger in a bra commercial? that’s just wrong)

children story undressing and dressing (no one ever read that one to me when i was a kid…)

lanois “mono overhead” (apparently it’s true. the man knows his stuff.)

miley cyrus undress down (so now you’re getting picky about the trajectory of nudity?)

undress britney and then a monster comes (finally, something that makes sense to me)

hospital women undress video (i think i saw that one. it was called “naughty night nurses 75”. that chick from |blossom” was in it.)

nude brides caught off guard (what…the…shit? is that like “girls gone wild” for people with wedding dress fetishes or something?)

dressing to undress (sooner or later, it’s what we all end up doing…though i can’t for the life of me remember why i chose that as the official title for my blog here. oh well. i’m stuck with it now.)

who sings as i walk through the valley of death (that would be me. the singing guy, i mean.)

vs880 microphone (they made  a microphone specifically for that mixer? really?)

undressing nude by the sea compilation (i never caught the tv commercials for that one…what a shame)

undress up (don’t mind if i do. where’s my flesh-coloured tie rack?)

songs with toy piano (yann tiersen’s got some)

scott walker tilt (an album that’ll blow your brain wide open)

U47 “recording guitar” (i bet that would sound pretty nice)

johnnywestmusic blog hirsute (that’s me, in a nutshell)

streaming undress (you don’t want to see streaming video of me doing that. trust me here.)

ever try running an entire mix through a mic preamp? (yes. yes i have.)

“two chord songs” sheet (i don’t have that sheet, but i hear the members of green day do…wait…my mistake…that’s the “most overused and reused and over-reused chord progressions in the world” sheet. never mind.)

terotica (do you dream about leann rimes videos shot in the desert too?!)

screaming nipples (yes, that is the name of the first papa ghostface cd)

video clips of women dressing and undressing (alas, there’s none of that here. sorry to let you down.)

bob seger (yes, that is the name of a singer dude whose voice shows up in the odd car commercial)

front-of-kit fok mono stereo (how can something be mono and stereo simultaneously?)

“penis says”+2008+wordpress (who types something like that into google?)

aea R88 overheads (definitely give it a try if you’ve got the mic)

sexy un-dress up (this should be a designated workplace activity, like dress-down day)

naked leann rhymes (i don’t think you’ll ever get to see that)

R88 piano (i bet that sounds quite nice, but sadly the mic clip aea supplied me with is defective, thus limiting how i can position the microphone. so i couldn’t tell you.)

aea R88, price (it’ll run you about two grand, maybe a bit more — or less — depending on where you live and where you’re getting it from. but it’s definitely worth the scratch.)

traction final mix (if you can do a final mix while in traction, i bow down before you)

how glad the many millions (sinatra’s got a crush on you)

undress kate beckinsale (well, if you insist…)

undress me (okay, but i’m not gonna do it for free)

undress jesse (that’s pushing it a bit far…)

hirsute female (check out jennifer miller and her performance troupe circus amok)

“stepsister” undress (well, now we’re getting a little kinky, aren’t we?)

guys and dicks (yeah…i hear they have those things)

tosteestostas (my imaginary record label, est. 1999)

quirky instruments (it’s true; i’ve got a few)

teisco del ray spectrum et-440 guitar (a cool-looking axe, it is)

came from somewhere back in her long ago (michael mcdonald, man. you need to watch “yacht rock”. seriously.)

undress high school musical characters (vanessa hudgens, maybe, but i’m not taking off zac efron’s clothes. sorry…no dice.)

cheap inflatable ukuleles (i gotta find me one of those)

oesophagus song (it’s very deep and resonant, as if being sung from deep within you, isn’t it?)

example of cord dressing (patch cords wear clothes?)

soap opera rapid aging syndrome (it’s a strange thing, isn’t it?)

billy joel sleeping with the television (so that’s why his marriage to christy brinkley didn’t last. “irreconcilable differences”, huh?)

genital herpes cured (hope i didn’t disappoint anyone there…)

he came to her sometime from somewhere back long ago (the doobie brothers as you’ve never heard them before)

forced undress stage video (maybe you’re thinking of a scene from the film “pretty persuasion”?)

1932 washburn mandolin banjo (i’ve never heard of such a thing. sounds interesting, though i’d call it something else, like…a mandojo. or a banjolin.)

giraffe teather (is that what you call it when your father is a giraffe-based tea?)

benylin (stay away! stay away!)

sock wohis (nah…they gave me money. why would i want to hit them?)

how much is johnny west dolls worth? (i have a doll?)

lyric “the greatest thing you ever can do now” (that’s led zeppelin—“friends”, off of the third album. good song. i used to listen to it in the car sometimes on the way to high school in the morning.)

“can’t contain myself” “looking out the window” (the song you’re looking for is “striking” by francis & the lights)

mic preamp damien rice (he uses those things too? say it isn’t true!)

undress games tic tac toe (tragically, no one ever played this advanced version of tic-tac- toe with me when i was in school)

sleep undress (doesn’t one come before the other?)

red means stop green means go and yellow means slow down (lies! all lies!)

tinkle tinkle in a jar (i had to do that once. stepfather john said, “stick your peter in here,” and i was laughing so hard i almost pissed all over him.)

miley cyrus has a growth spurt (let me guess…it was in her shoe)

undress and bend over (shouldn’t we get to know one another a little better first?)

wind machine bass line (well blow me down!)

love me thongs (so you’re british and you’ve got a thing for underoos, eh?)

little miss sexpot (what they called me back in school)

guyswithdicks.com (i imagine that would have been our website address, had the band stayed together…now that would have been interesting)

scotch tape sex (whatever floats your boat, i guess)

woman undress and electrical guitars (a winning combination)

stoned mouse (that would either be very amusing to see, or very disturbing)

whoreprincess.com (a website full of wholesome lessons for young women?)

dead skin hill (i’d like to own a cabin there someday…what a peaceful place…a little dry, but you can’t have it all, can you?)

undressing the dressing people (that is the most amazing logic i’ve ever encountered in task form)

hanging heart (loose and to the left?)

why are mic preamps expensive? (because they hate you. and because the good ones are made out of things that don’t make the baby jesus cry, and as a result they actually sound good.)

urban garlic (yo…dig my scented flow, dog…the pervasive lingering aroma of edible whimsy…)

angel holding unconscious woman with his arms (i’ll give you six dollars if you draw a picture of that for me)

ebay cranesong flamingo (no, they don’t show up there. ever. but i have one. it’s a cool-looking thing.)

hover your mouse over me to undress me (i don’t even have to use my hands? sweetness!)

cows copulating (i saw them from my window on the train. they were lovers too beautiful for this world…so they did it behind a barn while i ate antipasto.)

papa suck my nippels (first you need to learn how to spell “nipples”. and thinking of me as a father figure won’t get you too far, either.)

can’t punch in on my roland vs 1680 (oh, but you can! it seems odd at first, but once you figure out how to do it, it’s easy as pie. pumpkin pie. check out the confusing manual and you’ll find directions in there somewhere. knowing how to punch in does come in handy from time to time.)

youtube lack dressing (youtube is kind of lacking in that department, isn’t it? i suggest you check out my refrigerator, where you’ll surely find italian and french dressing.)

does thom yorke use neve preamps? (no. neve campbell does.)

bedtime nipple stories (once upon a time, there was a…what? and you did what? get out of my bedroom.)

undressed dicks (so…you’re talking about lawyers getting naked here? no?)

hollow weiner (he once was hollow, but now he’s stuffed)

you are my candy girl (not in your wildest dreams)

rhyme with esophagus (okay…sarcophagus. metropolis. adopt-a-kiss. see? it can be done.)

every time you stub your toe, what happens? (well, if you’re me, it goes something like this: “FUCK! motherfucking cocksucking fuck! ahhhhhh! fucking…fuck! shit!” and then after about twenty seconds the pain subsides and you stop hopping around on one foot. and if your feet are as large as mine and you prefer to walk around barefoot, you can expect this to happen on a semi-regular basis. i hope this has been educational.)

1 2 3 you going to undress my song (no, i not going to)

ball sack ring (that sounds painful…i suggest disinfecting first)

woman nipple templares (what?)

boy tauching a undressed girl’s nipples (i hear tauching leads to secks, and then there is no mistery left)

best preamp for U87 mic (i hear the neve 1073 matches up with it nicely…i imagine the great river MP-2NV would do a nice job as well, but i sadly lacked preamps good enough to hear what a U87 could really do back when i had one of those mics briefly…)

pictures of undress girl sitting on boy (there must be many very disappointed horny people who end up at my website/blog-thing while looking for things like this)

things to do with semen creepy (well, “semen creepy” is so difficult to define…i suppose you could make abstract art with it. i’ll get back to you with a list.)

masturbating underwater (would that i had a swimming pool to call my own)

undress your chest to me (when you put it that way, how can i resist?)

undressed girls with the wind (you can do that? seriously? i had no idea it was that simple. all this time, i’ve been taking the wind for granted.)

art + preamp + montreal ( = well-recorded paintings with francophone accents)

undresses in the studio (i almost did that once, at the old house, when the summer heat was sweltering without air conditioning. then central air came and saved me from the prospect of recording naked.)

cvreepy samta (he wants you to come snit on his lamp)

songs about sucking on nipples (now there’s a compilation cd that would be a sure-fire hit at parties)

undressing unconscious girls (dude! no! just…no.)

why do people undress at night? (that’s a silly question. because the nighttime is allergic to clothing! come on!)

ball sack!!! (now that’s more like it. put some feeling into it!)

old man touching dark nipples video (uh…yeah. i’ll pass on that one. if it was a video of old nipples touching a dark man, now…totally different story.)

music sex notes (i believe those live in the bass clef)

johnny west dressing (that’s right—i’m an entrepreneur, like paul newman, with my own salad dressing brand and everything)

my dog’s stick is hard when i undress (i think you and your dog need to have a chat. we can’t bottle our feelings up inside. it just isn’t healthy.)

fetish for people who dress as a lamp (i believe the proper term for that is “i am turned on by fucked up things”)

sleeping with the television on is bad (you don’t say…bad for who?)

why is undressing and dressing a problem? (because you’re always getting out of one state of dressage and into another)

how to watch your step sister undress (step one: use eyes; step two: get caught; step three: get slapped)

cameo long nipples (they showed up in an old herzog movie, didn’t they? quite the memorable cameo for old long nipples there)

pierced nipple cage (that just sounds inhumane…pierced nipples should be free)

games where you get to totally undress people (i know one—it’s called “what happens when you get naked with a partner”)

undressed girl’s shoe (how can she be wearing a shoe if she really and truly got undressed? you need to think about these things, people)

she’s just a fool (you were searching for paris hilton, i assume)

blow into it play keys (i can totally inflate a volleyball and play piano simultaneously)

miley cyrus barefoot microphone (i’m not sure i want to sing into that thing…what colour nail polish does she use on her toes? that might sway me a little)

wedding dresses that are hard to undress (you can’t undress a physical dress…that would be like un-facing a face)

glockenspiel = scrotum (this is a mathematical breakthrough…but then, whose scrotum have i been playing for the past few years?)

undressing for money tubes (understandable. i’d do anything for money tubes.)

can i undress people in my photos? (hey, they’re your photos. you can do anything you like.)

an atrophied imagination to undress anybody (contender for best search term ever to lead here? i think so)

be my quarterback my candy (not today…)

i always thought that it was me wanting you (well, you thought wrong)

we need time for some things to happen (to quote khan from star trek II: “time is a luxury you don’t have, admiral”)

dresses and swimming pools don’t mix (you’re telling me…)

mic’ing a live banjo (a recipe for feedback…your best bet is to have things quiet enough on-stage that you don’t need much volume in the monitors, otherwise it’s going to feed back in a lot of ugly ways…might be best to get a pickup installed)

undressed fucky rapes (you did what now?!)

good and bad way +god (they didn’t teach us that sort of math in school)

aggressive undresser clothing solutions (this is an infomercial i would PAY to see)

avedis+e27+bottom (equals…a really nice-sounding bum?)

the ashtray told me you were up all night (oh did it, now? remind me to punish that ash receptacle for telling tales out of school again)

sigmund freud desk (do they still sell those? i could use a good freudian sit…)

undress guys on fences (there’s a new one)

rode mics kijiji (i did it! i sold some! huzzah.)

sackring blog gay (you don’t say…)

lolcat happy again (aw…the kitty is finally laughing on the inside and the outside)

twisting old lady’s nipples (you’re mean)

undressed crab (isn’t that kind of a self-defeating action? unless you’re referring to a person with a terminally dour disposition, in which case i guess it makes sense)

catch beer in the box and they undress (i guess it’s more exciting than hitting a pinata)

there’s a bit of everybody in my candy (really? let’s find adam sandler!)

rode k2 v. pearlman tm1 (oh, man…that’s not even a fair fight. the pearlman rises up and slays the rode while spitting sea water in its face and laughing. not even remotely in the same league, though the k2 is more useful than most of the other rode mics.)

what is a female fowl called? (a fowlette—just as a female towel is called a towelette)

why do people undress for sex? (you know, i really don’t know…force of habit, i suppose)

word on the street is you been missin’ me (that’s a dirty lie, and you know it)

before bed come up with songs (that’s what i do! it’s like you know me!)

puerto rico thumb piano (i gotta get me one of those, too)

imagenes de melodica (je ne mange pas dans la piscine…)

why must women undress in hospitals? (it’s all part of god’s plan…)

undressed as if on fire (does that mean you like it fast and hard? wait, that sounds wrong…)

monkey knows (he surely does)

best wet ass (i believe that award goes to either bruce willis in “the color of night”, or mickey rourke in “wild orchid”…we need a tie-breaker)

ball sack moving (no! we were just getting to know one another! why does everyone always move away?)

dress up the naked people (that’s no fun at all…)

i am in bed with johnny west and a melodica (you really were, too! we were all full of smoo.)

i’m lonely someone must love christ (have you thought of placing a personal ad somewhere?)

what happens to people who undress? (i believe they become badgers)

why do people undress in their sleep? (because their bodies know what their minds refuse to accept)

i just can’t contain some people (perhaps you should work on becoming a larger container)

cookie monster penis (if someone refers to your genitals in such a way, you should probably see a doctor)

i don’t wanna think anymore (turn on the television! guaranteed brain damage! you can thank me later)

eenie meanie miney mo lover meaning (you want to know the meaning of that justin bieber song? how about, “i am either a giant douche whose entire image is a facade built on appropriating slang that sounds completely ridiculous coming out of my mouth, or whoever is responsible for creating and maintaining my image is a giant douche, and this song is one of the most pathetic products ever created in the history of the universe, with no real meaning at all aside from ‘girls have boobs and i want to touch them’.” i think that about covers it.)

preamp from hell (satan makes microphone preamps? if so, i’d like to try the stereo version.)

happiest pic ever (here you go.)

what about my ball sack? (it just isn’t working out, i’m afraid. your ball sack doesn’t meet my expectations. we don’t see eye to…sack. it’s not you; it’s your genitals.)

shut the fuck up and train (hey! you can’t talk to me like i’m rocky balboa!)

how much should man undress for sex? (i recommend taking one shoe off and leaving everything else on. things are more exciting that way.)

pictures of your dad undressing you (i hate to disappoint, but all of those have already been sold on ebay)

censored sigh (that must be one dirty sigh you’ve got there…)

great minds think metaphorically (holy crap…that’s actually really cool. no, really. whoever thought to type that phrase into a search engine deserves a prize for original thinking. seriously. i like it.)

what is a heartgasm? (it’s what happens when your heart really, really loves something, but the love gets confused with less pure impulses, and sticky stuff comes out)

i am your late night evening prostitute (pleased to meet you. i am your early day morning client. don’t mind the pajama pants.)

people with dicks for heads (they lead lives of quiet penile desperation)

chainsaw + sexy girl (equals the murderous psychopath of my dreams. hey — you’re getting better at this math stuff!)

whatever happened to brooke ballentine? (well, aside from having her name pop up in a johnny west song back in 2008, last i saw she was on myspace preaching about how she had retired from the “business” after being saved by jesus, and she spent almost all of her internet time telling anyone who read her blog posts that they were dirty sinners who were going to burn in hell, even though no one ever commented or said anything inappropriate to her. i’m not kidding. not even a little bit. how’s that for a switch from being a no-holds-barred porn star? seems like a case of a religious conversion giving someone that last little push they need when they’re teetering right on the edge of insanity.)

did harry nilsson’s voice ever recover? (for the most part, yes. it was never again quite as otherworldly in its elasticity as it had been before “pussy cats”, but there’s some really fantastic singing on “knnillssonn”, and while harry might have lost a little bit at the very top of his range, there was a whole new richness to his lower register. and he could still hit some insanely high notes while working filthy humour into a love song, as proven by “i never thought i’d get this lonely”. hell, there’s some great singing on “sandman” and “duit on mon dei” too, even if it’s a little ragged in places.)

so i stabbed the fucker and stole his mints (well played, good sir. can i buy you a drink?)

i hate penis (sadly, i don’t think you and i can be friends, for i possess that which you claim to hate)

why pirating music should be legal (the best argument i can think of is the simple fact that most modern music is so lame and artistically bankrupt, it isn’t worth paying for)

we conserve madison (nice of you not to use her all up in one go)

baby don’t be bald (sounds like the title for a heart-rending love song to me. mind if i borrow it?)

i’m afraid we are out of badgers (no! you promised me badgers! you lied!)

music will eat you (i best be garnishing myself, then. wouldn’t want to make a bad impression on the taste buds of music.)

screaming woman undresses on train (why doesn’t anything this exciting ever happen when i’m on a train?)

freddy and the french fries (weren’t they that novelty group from the 1960s who had a big hit with that song called “we might clog your arteries, but douse us in gravy and eat us anyway”? it was a pretty catchy tune.)

i’ll be lonely i’m gonna be lonely (with an attitude like that, you’ll never be lonely. shame on you.)

cardboard buildings for johnny west (someone designed architecture for me? using cardboard? for real? i don’t know what to say. i feel i’ve truly arrived.)

blog slacking (it’s a sad thing to behold. happily, i can’t say it’s something i’ve fallen prey to in quite some time. and you can always make up for lost time with insanely long posts. that’s what i like to do when i start to slack on the blog updates, anyway.)

eenie meenie me and the very sad day (this sounds like the best children’s book i’ve never read. please tell me you wrote and illustrated it, and i can buy it from my local chapter’s bookstore.)

how can you keep the devil out of someone? (i’ve found making a sign that says “live entertainment every night provided by barry manilow” and erecting it somewhere around the person’s soul seems to do the trick. not even satan can tolerate the manilow. “copacabana” makes him break out in satanic hives.)

no! i’m looking at cameras that look cool and shit! (i can see how that would be distressing.)

i think i’m warm and accommodating (it’s good that you have such a high opinion of yourself. hopefully you won’t be offended if i tell you i think you’re cold and standoffish.)

i miss you most when i’m sad. i miss you when i’m lonely. (obviously you don’t really care about me. if you did, you would only miss me when you’re happy.)

would you tear your best mate’s hair out? alcohol — know your limits. (now there’s a public service announcement i can get behind! where’d i put the scotch?)

punch on ass (i would really like to see you get in the ring with someone’s ass. you need a good trainer, though, so he can bark advice at you like, “jab that left cheek! close up the crack! watch out for that gas! he’s looking to put you down fast!”)

mackenzie hall penis art (they had penis art at mackenzie hall? and i missed it?! say it isn’t so!)

suck my disc (is it herniated? ’cause if it is, i ain’t suckin’ it.)

i’m brak, and this is my song (lovely song, brak. i like that one part…you know…where you do the thing…and then that other thing happens. it’s good stuff.)

harmonica giving head (i can’t fathom how that could possibly be a pleasurable sensation. but if it’s a harmonica in the key of C and your penis is capable of expelling air, you can play “piano man” while you get a painful blowjob! there’s a new one for a tv talent search program.)

semen socks (i would walk a mile in your shoes, but i think i’d prefer to do it barefoot)

strange dildos (isn’t that an electric light orchestra song? i think it goes, “strange dildos, shaped like a car…strange dildos…got a strange dildo!”)

merry christmas boobs (i’m confused…are the breasts spreading holiday greetings, or are you just letting your body know that you care?)

what’s the best way to get rid of hair around your nipples? (blowtorch. works every time.)

he blows goats. i have proof. (show me!)

eenie, meenie, minie, mo. catch a tiger by the toe…who in their right mind would try to catch a tiger by the toe? (your guess is as good as mine)

swallow typewriter ribbon (would i then be able to type letters inside of my stomach?)

do you want to touch my seagull? i’ve shaved it. (that was nice of you. as i like to say, there’s nothing more attractive than a clean-shaven seagull.)

death dildos (because even the grim reaper gets horny sometimes)

jesus kissing satan (i don’t know, man…are you sure it was jesus? i very clearly heard him say, “i never kiss a beelzebub on the first date.” wait — i have photographic proof! it really did happen after all.)


bowling chicken (he just bowled a perfect game! what the cluck is up with that?)

teach me undress a fridge girl (here’s the best piece of advice you’re ever going to get on the subject: go for the vegetable crisper first. it never fails.)

do mice have dicks? (let me answer your question with another question: is paris hilton a moron?)

i undress myself to get fucked (you’re a go-getter! yes you are!)

dymo discpainter overpriced poor quality discontinued (you kind of covered it all right there. kudos.)

satan’s ball sack (i hear he shaves down there)

it took time to lay out his instruments and come to a quirky discovery (are you writing my life story or something here?)

dragon genitals (they’re more fiery than satan’s sack)

best songs to undress to (“goodbye stranger” by supertramp and “gary’s got a boner” by the replacements. you’re welcome.)

garlic cat (you asked for it. here you go.)

my clown will eat you alive (fuck your clown! he doesn’t have sharp enough teeth to chew through my contempt for him.)

penis infections (that’s the sort of thing you want to avoid if you can)

don’t mess with us satan, we got god (yeah! you hold god hostage and see how fast satan changes his tune! oh, wait…)

imagenes de dibujos animados borrachos (uh…si?)

naked men broad chest hairy pubics free (didn’t quite find what you were looking for here, did you? but it’s good that you’re specific about what you’re after.)

in bed fucking in comic form with dick sticking in the air (i realize animated characters can bend the rules a bit, but how exactly is it intercourse if your penis is “sticking in the air”? seems to me the only thing you’re penetrating is gravity.)

my soldiers can say “shoot me first” and run towards you, so you say then “don’t shoot him run in this shit” (i think your soldiers have issues. and just for the record, i would never tell anyone to “run in this shit”. i would say “frolic in this fecal matter”.)

big beefy dildos (what about slim vegan dildos? no one ever talks about them.)

the villain chair back (there’s a new bad guy for a superhero movie. i can see it now…)

fresh boob (hey…i think stale boobs are underrated)

get dressing get undressing (make up your mind already! do you want me naked or not?)

what is a wind piano? (it’s something played by nature, but built by a frustrated young pizza delivery boy)

eavestrough leading to a dry well (that’s…like…poetic, or something)

subliminal advertising sex jewelry (like this?)

dead giraffe in dumpster (where do you live?!)

jeweled piano fingers (i imagine finding appropriate gloves for your black-and-whites would be a little difficult)

weirdest costume ever (that would be this…)

hug me and tell me everything will be fine (i can’t do that. but i can kiss you and tell you some things will be mediocre, and others will be fabulous.)

mickey mouse condoms (do they laugh if the penis they’re protecting is below a certain size threshold?)

racy ashtray (ash in me baby…ash like you’ve never ashed before…yeah…you ash in me so good…)

cheese in brain (fry up some bread with your brain and you can have yourself a pretty cerebral grilled cheese sandwich)

i just want to punch you in the face (yeah…but how do you really feel?)

yodeling penis (that’s another thing i would pay to see)

chicken eating grasshopper (are you sure that’s the sort of thing your chicken should be chewing on?)

the shelf bent under the weight of the books (then i sneezed, and the universe shook)

is there any website that can undress the people? (“the people, eddie, the people! don’t tell me about the people, eddie! the people sit in front of their little TVs with their bellies full of beer and fall asleep. what do the people know, eddie? don’t tell me about the people, eddie!” — that’s from the humphrey bogart/rod steiger movie “the harder they fall“, in case you didn’t know.)

john lennon in hell (you shut your mouth)

she undressed on the piano (did the piano get excited? was there a sudden increase in sostenuto?)

penis cheetos joke (you want a joke about cheetos and a penis? here you go. so there’s this guy, and one day, while taking a piss, he notices that his penis is orange. he goes to see the doctor the next day and asks, “dude…why is my dick orange?” the doctor says, “hmm…i’ve never seen anything like this. here — take a few of these pills, and come back tomorrow.” the guy goes home, takes the medication, and it doesn’t do anything. he wakes up the next day with his dick still orange. he goes back to see the doctor, who says, “here’s something stronger. take this and come see me again tomorrow.” he goes home, takes the pills, and the next day his dick is still orange. so he goes back to the doctor again, and the doctor says, “here’s the strongest stuff i have. you’ll be out for twelve hours, and you can’t eat, drink or drive during that time. come back in a few days.” the guy comes back a few days later, and wouldn’t you know — his dick is still orange. “damn,” the doctor says, “what the hell is going on? what kind of sex have you been having?” the guy says, “well…actually, i haven’t gotten any in a long time.” the doctor thinks for a moment, and then asks, “what did you do last night.” the guy says, “same thing i do most nights; i was watching porn while eating cheetos.”)

i love fuzzy duck (aw…he loves you too! look!)

my taste in music is perfect and everyone who disagrees is wrong and probably smells weird (well aren’t you a good little elitist!)

ke$ha’s undressed body pics (dude…you don’t seriously want to see that, do you? i think you can just take a dead pig’s carcass, soak it in jack daniel’s and semen for about a week, and you’d get a pretty fair approximation.)

kissing anal fissure (i’ve heard of some pretty weird fetishes, but i think that takes the cake)

marionette mechanism (is that the name of your tech metal band?)

beware, or i’ll release the flying monkeys (that’s what i want you to do! i dare to not beware. do your worst, curator of magic monkeys.)

talk talk laughing stock vinyl (spend the extra money on a good used copy. the reissue is either defective, or — if you’re lucky enough to get a copy that isn’t defective — disappointingly noisy for such dynamic, meticulously-recorded music. you’d be better off sticking with the cd, which is what they used to cut the new vinyl anyway. kind of defeats the entire purpose if you ask me.)

naked girl with a toaster (maybe that’s what i’ll call the sequel to the chicken angel woman with a triangle)

why do teeth hurt more at night? (because you have two sets of teeth. the promiscuous teeth are active during the day, while at night there’s a shift-change and the virgin teeth take over. you need to be gentle with virgin teeth.)

sometimes i pretend to be a carrot (you too? i thought it was just me! let’s be friends and hang out with someone who enjoys pretending to be celery.)

the reaper eating cheetos (hey, even messengers of death like their junk food)

naked lady with a toaster up her butt (what is with you people?)

chicken heart ball sack (now that’s more like it. nothing says “i love you” like the genitals of a chicken’s heart.)

sometimes the words hug (aw…words can be so tender)

what is the angle for best distance? (this is the question that wakes me up in the middle of the night)

disadvantage of owning a dog comic (cats may not find the jokes as funny as you do)

semi-anthropomorphic bass guitar (it’s part animal? i bet the low end on that thing is something else.)

if i wrote “dear diary”, is that a journal entry? (no. it’s only a journal entry if you write about your sexual misadventures in intimate detail.)

how to undress a light sleeper (that’s easy…wake them up and ask politely. in the alternative, fishing line and paperclips always worked for me.)

johnny arsenic (that’s what they call me when i’m angry)

things to put in your outhouse (a home decorating guide that’s a little off the beaten path)

why do people undress when they have sex? (so they can study each other’s bodies with the purpose of using any perceived flaws or weaknesses as ammunition during future arguments)

why is joe satriani bald? (it’s all coldplay’s fault)

small nervous dogs start the day (when you don’t have coffee, nervous dogs are the next best thing)

half-empty halibut ska (is that a new genre of music within the fish kingdom?)

shark drawings for kids (here’s one)

a suspicious man running away in the dark (that would be me, because i just stole your undergarments. sorry about that.)

she wants more pee-holding volume (hey, sometimes wishes come true. it could happen to her!)

do not keep people here, keep people at their own painting (well, if we’re living in a totalitarian society, at least everyone will have something pretty to look at)

frog screaming bullshit (now that i’d like to see)

spring time nipples are loose (no! capture them! return those renegade nipples to the breasts from whence they came!)

it will all be worth it at the end wallpaper (fuck that shit. you need depressing things on your wall. you need wallpaper that says, “there is no point to anything. abandon hope.”)

when i was your age, we had stoned sex (i never got to have stoned sex. no fair!)

let your imagination eat you alive (no thanks. but i will let it eat spaghetti. my imagination should be satiated.)

naked girls march pointlessly in guitar hero (really? i’ve never played that game, but i don’t remember ever hearing anything about militaristic nudity. i must have missed the boat on that one.)

i have the weirdest boner right now (me too! let’s compare erections!)

who sings the song that goes “smacked him in the face with my swinging ball sack”? (that would be neil diamond. the song is called “love is the bulge beneath my trousers”, and the chorus goes, “sweet ball sack of fury! you sing to my soul! drink my maple syrup! cleanse my toilet bowl!” it’s got a real guttural power to it.)

my brain is full of fuck (your poor brain. it must be lonely to be so profane.)

specimen typo sauna (c’est what?)

power ballads + ruptured tampon (equals…the triumphant return of air supply?)

what happens in bed stays in bed (yes, but is that the legacy we want to leave for our children? perhaps it’s time to bring what happens between the sheets out into the wider world. public sex for all, i say.)

sad hipster template (see: several of the “indie” and “alternative” bands currently getting played on muchmusic)

why are some people hairy? (it’s a physical manifestation of their inner turmoil)

comic strip that has someone that does not know what is going on (comic strip? sounds more like life to me.)

unstable dressing (word to the wise: science class and salad dressing composition do not play well together)

a diary entry to a doctor telling them that they are hopless (dear dr. longfellow — i regret to inform you that your attempts at hopping leave much to be desired. some of your patients may be blind to your deficiencies, overcome by the novelty of being seen by a rabbit who claims to be a physician, but i see very clearly. even when confronted with a carrot, your leaping at best resembles a sort of feeble air-humping motion, with your feet never even leaving the ground. you should be ashamed. ps, thanks for the topical ointment you prescribed last week.)

keep it clean or mr. clean will punch you (so he’s a steroid user acting out his aggression on innocent home-owners, huh? that explains the physique and the creepy fake-looking smile. i always suspected he was on the juice.)

penis sinus (you get stuffed up down there? i don’t think they sell genital decongestants. masturbation is probably your best bet.)

now take a bow — you deserve it, condom (someone NEEDS to turn this into a commercial. “what have you done for your condom today?”)

i do believe i’ve shat my pantaloons (i’ll just be…moving…to the back of the room over here…away from the smell…)

johnny west porn (i have serious concerns about your mental health if this was a thing you were really hoping to find. unless…i do have a few consumer-grade video cameras over here…)

then you realize you don’t even own cats (ain’t that the way it always goes?)

shit saliva (if your fecal matter is drooling, you might want to have that checked out)

breasts of a dog (it’s true: this was the original working title for the smokey robinson hit “tears of a clown”. we can only wonder what might have been, if record company bigwigs hadn’t intervened.)

i’m living on a sexy dolphin (you’ve succeeded where others before you have faltered and failed. but where do you take shelter when a storm hits?)

how to style my hair like tom waits (first, be tom waits. then, wake up and step into the state of constant awesomeness that is you. i don’t think there’s any other way.)

what does an anal fissure look like? (i’ll field this one, bill. children, you may want to avert your eyes.)

new fissure

i farted kitty (well, that’s a freaky coincidence — i just belched dog!)

funny ways to censor a photo (that would be THIS. you’re welcome.)

ayam sexy (no yernaught)

before and after chad kroeger (at some future date, this is how the years of our lives will be classified, instead of before and after christ)

i cut too much skin off my toe (that’ll happen when you’re trimming your skin)

wiener pee pee boner (that…is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever read)

i am cow (hear you moo?)

giraffe shoulder nudge (the most meaningful sign of respect there is)

i will hide you in the crevice of the rock and cover you with my hand song (that ain’t a song — it’s scripture)

shut the fuck off and train (if only all boxing trainers spoke to their fighters like this)

when i wake up, the first thing i want to meet is piano (i too have felt those feelings, my friend)

complacent cat (i guess i brought this one on myself…)

complacent cat

you are born with nothing and better off this way (as soon as you have something, they are going to send someone to steal that shit)

undress and copulate in me (you’re a forward one, aren’t you?)

do not empty dog here (feel free, however, to refill gerbil)

man bullet nipples (they made bullets from the flesh of man. but what they weren’t prepared for were…HIS NIPPLES.)

he undresses to show us his package (and so each action has a purpose, as with the changing of the seasons)

the instrument of the gods is tuba with crabs (this is good to know)

disappointed cat (okay, this is getting out of hand now)

disappointed cat

at this rate, i’ll end up having sex even with my sister (dude…how many bed sheets have you befouled?!)

what makes a good microphone preamplifier? (the simple technical answer is probably something like, “that which amplifies the signal your microphone is producing in a relatively honest, flat way, without introducing any noticeable distortion or imparting any significant colouration.” the answer you’re likely to be looking for is much more subjective and complicated. i imagine different people will tell you different things based on what they like to hear. some people are after really precise, clinical sounds. others want things thick and dirty. for me, a good mic preamp is something that will take your source — assuming you’ve got a pretty good sound to work with — and “heighten” it a little. i like preamps with a bit of colour. case in point: i owned a cranesong flamingo for years. beautiful piece of gear, beautifully-made, but it sounded a little too pristine for my taste, and i ended up selling it because i never used it. i gravitate more toward things like the chandler germanium and the great river pres, where you can get things pretty clean if you want them to be, but you can also dial in a ton of hair. because who doesn’t like the sound of hair? i’ve found i prefer the sound of transformers over tubes or solid state designs, at least based on the preamps i’ve worked with. good transformer-based mic pres seem to offer a nice middle ground between “super clean” and “super beefy”. your mileage may vary. and then there’s the whole debate about how many preamps you need. some engineers think you need a different flavour of pre for almost every sound. others believe you can track a great-sounding record through a single mic preamp. there are plenty of nice pres out there, along with some stuff that’s kind of crap, at both ends of the price spectrum. my thinking is, you’ll only know what you like once you put it through its paces with your equipment, in your room. that’s the way it’s worked for me.)

your answer makes the kitty sad (hey, suck my balls! i tried my best.)

ponder the deep things of god (i often do)

a month that rhymes with moon (that would be december)

make me scream your name, tumblr (giving a blog dirty talk? that’s a new one for me. let me try. “oh, wordpress…stroke my shaft…just like that…oh…oh yeah…HTMLFUCKSHITFEELSSOGOOD!”)

happy fucking birthday cat (this guy doesn’t even care if it really is your birthday. he just goes around screaming the same thing all the time. check it out.)

birthday cat

how old is mr. clean (mr. clean is eternal. he transcends age. he has always been here. he will always be here.)

whoever has been reporting back to my ex, i’m glad my life is so interesting, but please mind your own business (i’d really like to know the details behind this one)

masturbating to the rhythm of music (but is it a rhythm…divine?)

buy a long harmonica (i refuse on the grounds that i may inseminate myself)

love is better left undressed (yes. love is not like a salad.)

emma bunton naked (this has never happened. at least not when a photographer was present. but here’s a picture of lenny kravitz shirtless to ease the pain.)

tape your mouth shut (i’d really rather not, if it’s all the same to you)

why don’t you grow hair on your index finger? (it would undermine your moments of dramatic pointing. you’d be there, getting your point on real good, when the object of your pointing would say, “dude…WHAT’S WITH THE HAIR?” and the spell would be broken.)

why do i undress myself in my sleep? (maybe there are things you’re not telling yourself. about the feelings you have. for yourself.)

jesse topliffe canadian idol (this really happened. i even remember seeing a picture, circa 2005. i can’t seem to dig it up on the internet anymore, but i’ll keep trying.)

sinus monster (the booger’s truest form?)

wanna have a sensitive nipple (don’t we all?)

every august i dedicate my teeth to concrete lyrics (i do the same thing every july, only i dedicate my teeth to lyrics still in a state of flux)

batgirl undress

bat girl

i like you so much my friend (that’s very nice of you to say! i have no idea who you are, but i’m sure i would like you too if i met you over a peanut buster parfait at dairy queen.)

pretty vicious set list (this is the compliment everyone wants to get after playing a gig)

stay in bedroom with guitar alone (don’t mind if i do)

dog breasting (i’m not sure i want to know what that entails)

frosted wheat on shoulder (is that overactive dandruff, or are you just happy to see me? oh, it’s my breakfast! how thoughtful of you.)

i am on fire (i have a fire extinguisher. we should do lunch.)

whydoyouwantmetoundressforthisaudition (becausemywifehasntacknowledgedmypenisinyearsandimsohornyicouldflypleasedontsuethedramadepartment)

sponge cleans hairy ass and balls (that’s a sponge that’s seen some shit. literally.)

people undress when they are kissing (this is true. i’ve always said, “if you ever want to see me naked, all you need to do is kiss me.”)

sweet animals listening to horrible music (i can do that for you)

cute animals alt

taken up thy stethoscope and fuck! (yes. those were roger waters’ original lyrics to that piper at the gates of dawn tune. how did you know?)

why do people undress for sex? (if you ever experience the sensation of a zipper jabbing into the head of your dick, or a pair of socks trying to steal your woman, you’ll know the answer to that question)

using sounds in rectum fun play (one of my favourite sounds for this purpose has always been “ZERRRRRRPLOW!” go ahead. try springing that one on your partner next time you’re fooling around with their bum, without letting them know it’s coming. you’ll thank me.)

suitable term used for undressing chicken? (i’m partial to “declucking”, but the sky is the limit here)

to dream of crawling out of a basement (to wake up humping stairs)

naked girl with a toaster up her butt (that’s one image i’m not going to doctor or seek out for you. sorry to let you down there.)

meanie wheats cereal (now this i can do)

meanie wheats

what is soft realism (it’s the opposite of forceful fakery)

lip biting, ass grabbing, hair pulling (chris brown? is that you? i’ve got a baseball bat here that would love to make friends with your face.)

just one night johnny west sex (well, okay. you wore me down. your place or mine?)

hairiest bushes to appear in mainstream movies 13 (if that’s an actual video series, or guide book, or something, i don’t even know what to say)

pictures sway from bear trap (pictures are crafty like that)

john the condom song (i believe it goes something like, “john, john the condom song — he wished he was a dildo song. the druggist said, ‘this won’t do…in the condom trash with you.'”)

fish made from thongs (i aim to please)

the mystical thong fish.

talk about sick shit (nah…i’d rather talk about robust, healthy shit)

there’s a mad method to it (now you’re catching on!)

is it possible to tune plastic organ reeds? (i don’t believe so. i think i read a blog post once where someone opened one of those puppies up and found very little in the way of guts. there ain’t much to play around with inside a chord organ. but you never know. maybe there’s a way.)

thank you for caring (hey, you’re welcome!)

evil jazz band horror death paradise (i don’t know who you are, person-who-typed-this-into-a-search-engine, but i love you more than words can say)

3 comments

  1. i don’t think i’ve seen this page before (i’m pretty sure i’d remember) but i happened to click on it today, and i think it could be re-named “Let’s Kill Meryl.” because between the search engine terms and your comments, i was almost killed by my own laughter and disbelief. i can’t even pick a favourite… so many of them are amazing!

  2. that’s not even a fraction of all the ridiculousness there’s been. i’ve been slacking in updating this page for ages. i generally get at least one or two amusing/demented search engine terms on a daily basis. i added some more recent ones at the bottom, just for you. i’m glad i’m not the only one who gets a kick out of them.

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